you are golden child, don't let go. don't let go tonight.

long gone.

2008-03-04T21:22:00.002+08:00

i wonder if anyone still visits my blog.hah. looks like the last entry was, one yr ago. one year and..2 days? i'm not so sure what to do whenever i want to post something.. its kinda like a feeling of wanting to say stuff but not having a character to say it with...something to think about. oh well. this is a shout to ppl who still visit!tell me! so i can decide whether to keep it running. hah!

02-03-07

2007-03-02T16:27:00.000+08:00

i realised tat for the longest time, there's been this longing within me, that i cant help but want to spill out...but for some reason, its bottled up and wont come out. i guess ive hit the point in my life where im rediscovering the world and falling in love with all that it is.

'suddenly something that was, all at once, pain and longing and aodring had welled up in him, almost choking him. He wanted to tell someone, but he had no words, inarticulate in the pain and glory. It was long afterwards that he realised it had been his first aesthetic experience. That nameless something that stopped his heart was Beauty. Even now, 'bare branches against the sky' was his synonym for beauty.'

-anonymous(cant remember where i found this, but rest assured i am incapable of such amazing prose.)

i remember that saturday where i was in church studying alone, and wondering why its always the case that there's no one there when i gotta study, but everyone there when i dont. anyway, aaron stopped me at the lift for a talk, and the words he spoke to me seemed to linger on even up till now. " i want you to fall in love with God, till you cannot love Him any more than you do."
ii''m sure that thats impossible, cos God is Himself so beautiful that i dont think i can ever 'max out' loving him. but more than that, i guess i cant trust myself either to love him so consistently that i can reach that maximum.

there's sth i've been learning about God, and that is that He cares for my heart. i apologize to those who thru others have come to the conclusion that Christianity is all about being 'holy' and doing the right thing..or being a good person. even saying it reminds me that im not the first to discover that this is not the case. i guess all God wants for us is to "act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God". how can i even talk about it without making it sound like a 'must'! indeed it is, yet the choice is ours. but when you come to see it, you can only cry out 'i want to fall in love with you, i want to fall in love with you.'

hello again

2006-10-14T11:17:00.000+08:00

its been a long time since i've really posted anything, ahahah..cos well i dont have much time and i kinda dont like to spend too much time online..its been so bad, my email account go shut down...so if u r reading this blog and u have emailed me, forgive me cos i prob lost all your emails to me!!!=(
anyway, to all who are waiting to know wats up with me, well im now in OCS..yup..i shant say much(cos these walls have ears)//heh but anyway i havr to say its very different there...and i just hope tt i can come out a better man..

speaking of man...i think somewhere along the way ive lost track of my goal to be "a man after God's own heart". think the desire is still there, though i dunnno why, but the fire has died down somehow..its kinda the feeling like..when ur running around, doing all sorts of stuff for Ns,church or yourself..you wana jus sit down and rest..but when u have the chance to, you kinda keep looking for sth to do cos' you're just not used to sitting still, or being still in God's presence. my greatest comfort now its really tt God will not love me any More or Less, simply cos His love is perfect, even when i'm not. im really relying on his grace to bring me thru this time in my life now..and i hope tt in future i can encourage my brothers who enter NS...yup..

right now, ive come to the conclusion that only a life dedicated to a cause is worth living..ive decided to give my life to serving God..or rather im convinced tt that is wat i wanna do...i guess the realising of that wont be as easy, but hey im a work in progress arent i?heh. a

anyways, a huge shout out to Dawn, Corrie, James, and all who are overseas..miss u guys a lot a lot...sorry i cant really mail u all..pretty busy nowadays.=) also to crystal , liting...im sorry i havent had a chance to meet up..believe me..i think of doing so every week..but time and gravity have teamed up against me for some strange reason. actually this shout out is to everyone tt hasnt heard from me for a long time, really hope by some divine intervention, we can meet up again soon..take care all. thats all for now. =)

echoes

2006-07-03T10:20:00.000+08:00

arms extended,
i've never seen boys cry before.
not at least since i stopped looking in the mirror.

i havent-
in a long while.
oh!how i long to feel the brokeness
that causes the heart's thin layer
to break
that causes me to collide with what i would,
what i would consider my true self.

if only i could take off
the coats that are worn,
to protect myself from the world's
harsh and erratic weather.

to walk around
like the universe was but my hotel room,
or my bedroom for that matter.
where my entire being
is less conscious of itself,
than a man is when
he says something that
breaks a woman's heart.

vulnerable's the word.
to who?
could be to you.
if you'd let me,
with arms extended,
looking into a mirror(which is you),
because you,
would be the thing to break my heart's thin layer
only to patch it up again
with your presence.

let me find you.

wow its been a while since i HAVE written a poem.hope it makes sense and that it doesnt look like one of those emo emo 'simple plan' stuff.(yeee) HOOYA!

jon

I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-01T13:03:00.001+08:00

I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-01T12:54:00.000+08:00

i am so sorry guys that i havent been able to blog. just that Ns has been mad..not sure how khai bran and all the other guys are doing, but for kumar and i, our unit is pretty stringent in training, and i guess when im back, my natural inclination isnt towards coming online to blog!

but i just wanna ssay a big 'i miss you' to all who've dropped by my blog!i really do sit in bunk sometimes and think of the days where we'd just slack in the canteen pondering the decision whether to go AWOl for lectures thought for those of you who know cho- i would still end up going.hahahaha.

well,to give an update on the last 3 months(ITS BEEN 3 months?!?!?!?!?!) i've graduated from BMT and gone on to what is called the combat diving course.shane reveal much except that well...the course drives your mental and physical to the max limits-prob tha of which i never knew i could reach.haha..im really doing fine,cept' that its taken me a long long time to get used to booking in and out. as you all know...im a guy who loves to stay at home.. and well camp isnt exactly home. but i really want to give thanks to God cos He has provided friends, Christian and Non- Christian, both showing me that they love me and want me around... and i guess that sort of 'male-bonding' is sth ive been missing out on(no offence girls) and i guess God is showing me that male friendships dont have to be superficial, they can be real though often i prefer to share ,my problems with girls cos ive always thought them to be more understanding...but ive learnt and seen that really most guys,if not all hsrae the same fears, have the same hearts, desires(and im talking about pure clean ones) and the same sort of drive to protect, be strong, and the best.. and i guess NS is God's way of letting me get more in touch with the man that He wants me to become...what Stu Weber would call a "tender warrior"..

well, God has been taking me on a big roller coaster... and to have to like summarise what He's done for me, been doing and is doing is quite impossible...im not saying this in the sense that all has been going right for me...alto ive been blessed in so many ways..esp the way God has strengthened me during our beloved 'te-kan' sessions, where im holding a push up position and thinking.. God is this your plan for me? and i always come back to the same gentle whisper(what i guess i'd call it) thats says...trust me. i guess at some points when the journey of your life seems to drag along...and you feel like you've been conned by life to believing that its all a routine...you need to take a step back and jus imagine the birthright given to us all...that which is the rightful owners of planet earth...children of God.. and i guess one thing ive been so struggling to believe is that God seeks me, more often than i seek Him...He is the one pursuing me? i mean..at this point.. im just hit by a lot of mew discoveries about life/God/everything..that i cant see how i can learn to be 'getting the hang' of the way to live...but all i know how to do now, is to just "walk humbly with God"... and to walk with the invisible Father anf friend of mine has to be the biggest thing in my life now..because when you take that step into camp, into training..no doubt friends will be by your side..but that truth is, its gonna be just you and God.you're on your own(with that invisible presence that sometimes breaks but fills your heart in the same powerful ways)...

hahaha, ok to make this a less philosophical entry..how are you guys anyway? i hope you still come to visit the blog and not given up on me! we must meet soon yA? and please do just tag and tell me how you're doing...try not to email..cos my account is more or less in a.....irredeemable state(is that even a proper word)...yea.hahahaha please do sms or call me if for some reason the name 'cho' stirs in your heart, and you suddenly remember this chubby chubby face and so deeply and strongly desire to see it again(or for some pinch it again)....please, do keep in touch. ive missed you all, am missing, and will continue to do so till the day i meet all of you again.

much love from cho(for what i am to each and everyone of you). " )

-

2006-03-27T11:31:00.000+08:00

i have to admit, my mood today isnt the best, cos well, i realised that im going into NS soon, i mean dont get me wrong... im looking forward to it(honestly im weird), its just that ive been feeling this sense of like, isnt ANYONE gonna miss me? it sounds super self centred and all, but i think that every individual feels this at some point or another. and i guess one of the thoughts that have crossed my mind is, where have all the JC friends gone?other than corrie, who well, thoough i dont show often, i think i really am glad is my existing "link" to JC life(of course, you're more than that la.)

i know everyone has been busy with schedules and all, which brings me to my next thought.. whats the rush in getting asimilated into "life" - the hustle and bustle, the working, getting into what ppl recognise as "thats life", and fortunately/unfortunately i have come to be convinced that life is more than that, and belief isn't that end of it, i'm gonna live my life different. of course, you might say, Hey who wants to work right? but i have to etc etc... i acknowledge that really, many are not as blessed as me, to have the support of parents, financially and in tha case of not wanting to work a few weeks before NS/UNI.. i guess i just feel that somehow when we humans try to pick something to run after, or follow or to be passionate about, it biols down to work- cos thats what society has created. i mean, just look at the hollywood movies and....WOO ok, i just recieved an sms from CMPB, adressing me by my NRIC number..SEE WHAT I MEAN!?!?!?!?!?! ok anyway, i was just saying that well, movies kinda always portray succesful men/women who are high flyers and stuff, and im not sure if that has been the kinda life that ppl have been running after. ok, up to this point, i kinda forgot what direction im heading in. dont get me wrong, im not some lazy guy who hates working. believe me, i ve had thoughts of wanting to relive econs tutorials(anyone got a no. for a good pyschiatrist?) and math lessons, for the sake of having some satisfaction in finishing an essay or question. but i think ive found sth better. the satisfaction which comes not simply by 'what is done', but 'why it is done'.

well, friends, wherever you are, i miss you a lot. i guess this is what it comes to after 12 years of education- we grow up, we have families, and friends perhaps are compatrmentalised into another group to which we need to feed regularly. maybe i miss jc not so much for the lessons, the cosine curves and money demand stuff, but mayb i miss it cos we attended the lessons together. i'm convinced that "life" isn't as bland as it is now. i just need time to figure out what iim gonna do bout it.

In the world but not of it

2006-03-16T10:04:00.000+08:00

ok this has been my first post for some time... well recently, i havent been doing well for my Quiet time, and i guess my view of why i do it,etc etc has become a little bit 'wrong'... someone asked me, "did moses want to go free the israelites?"... my answer was no, but he obeyed God.. but still i wasnt comvinced that i had to do quiet time even though i didn't feel like it... it feels meaningless you know what i mean? its kinda like how you're obliged to go out with a friend. but then i realised that this isn't really obligation(to some extent it feels so), but its called Obedience. i think thats different.

i guess because i've been in this world too long(only 18 years and 7Months!) slowy without noticing it, i've(we've) unwillingly/willingly conformed to the ways and thoughts of this world. after reading a book called "the fear of the Lord" (am still reading by the way), i've realised that very often i have subjected God, and reduced His glory to one measured in terms of sinful man. In other words, an incorruptible God, His commands, and laws have been reduced to that of corruptible man.. its unfair if you think about it..its not just unfair, its kinda wrong. the kinda wrong such as walking past a little child picking food from the floor, and doing nothing about it.
sure, i think those who don't know God personally, or havent come to know Him at all would think this is a comment from some Holy-moley guy. but i know i feel that thinking that way is kinda as good as wanting to change the whole dynamics of existence, of life, of the world/universe, prob equivalent to trying to reverse time.

just imagine, the President of US, not even him, maybe just your favourite celebrity, or soccer star or you know wat, principal... if he were to step into your school, or ,mayb you're at a conference or sth.. i'm quite sure everyone would give that fella some due respect. but we havent really been doing that for God, or mayb we have, but subjecting Him the Glory, the holiness we 'imagine'( i.e. human glory) and we know humans aren't perfect(all the best to anyone who thinks he/she is perfect) and in other words, this glory we allude to God isnt perfect at all. He is the King of kings, Lord of lords, someone way above and hierachy, cos there is nobody who can challnege him, sure they can try, but if it were me, i wouldnt even dare thinking of it. He is the one who made the sunsets that we cannot even think of engineering, but instead can merely enjoy, and smile at with our loved ones. He made the sun, that gives us light so we won't crash or fall into things,yet finds the right time to conceal it to bring us the coolness of night- when all we can do is just take it in and say "hey, thats how the world works." well guess what?God is the one whose hand(notice i said hand, cos i think one arm is enough for God to accomplish this) is behind this. i mean NOBODy created God, He just simply exists. He said to Moses "I AM who I AM". have you ever met anyone who simply just exists, Because?just BECAUSE. even the greatest of humans couldnt be made unless their parents made plans to in the first place. i guess thats how awesome i think God is. and unfortunately, we, I havent been giving Him the Glory and love and praise and honor due His name.

after reading this, you'd may think, man, its a wonder how God would even allow me to be in the same place where He dwells, i havent given Him the respect at all!if i had done sth in disrespect of the principal, and she knew, i'd probably try to aviod her(you know what i mean?). but God who is completely and highly 100% capable of destroying us( or in IT terms, deleting us) He can. Now. but no.. i think its just amazing that He not only lets us carry on with our disgusting, sometimes shameful actions and thoughts, though its really hurts Him simply becuase He is not disgusting OR shameful, but instead He sacrificed someone to give us a chance to be made new. i mean, we didnt even ask for it. He did it automatically, on His own accord, out of love.Love.

I don't know about you, but i guess what i feel now is that out of a thankful heart,and even love for God's love for me, the least i can do is let Him continue loving me, and try to obey what He tells me to do. ok, mayb thats not the least i could do. i think the least would be just to let Him know i acknowledge Him, and just let Him into my life.well,thats me. i don't know about you.

i want to fall in love with you

2006-03-08T09:25:00.000+08:00

as i type this, an instrumental version of jars of clay's love song for a savior is playing...hmmm, i think i really wanna say to all my loved ones(friends and family alike) that well, i love you all.. and to my classmates, that well, we're all adjusting to this new phase of life..of working life/army life/slacking life(which some have already mastered),haha yes, and i know we'll prob nvr be able to return to those days of sitting in the canteen, and in classes and lectures, trying to amuse each other and those around us..an immense overflow of nostalgia is starting to fill me.. and i guess these are wat memories are about..whew. amazing.. i think i really need to treasure each moment of life.each moment. it is indeed a gift..ever so often, i wake up late-see half the day go by..o Lord, i really do desire to know what living with you,for you is really like..

i think the title of the post expresses how i feel right now.. i believe and know that God's love is overflowinng (romans 8:38-39)...yup yet at this point in time.. He seems so far.. i dont even know if its me not listening(which i think is probably the case) or whether He has just chosen to be distant.. i like this analogy that i heard from desmond just a few days ago..he said that we're kinda like those drivers in the race rallies.. and we ARE the drivers,not God.i guess it IS our life and we make the choices.. but next to the driver, is the "co-pilot" who gives directions, warns the driver of what is ahead.. cos to some extent, HE sees wat the driver can't, as well as the final point of destination(prob from the map)... yupand though the car is really in the driver's hands... He must LISTEN to the co-pilot in order for the car to reach the right place... in many ways this is like our relationship with God.. and to be honest i dont know if i have been earnestly seeking to listen to God's voice in my daily life... its almost as if i have compartmentalised(ooh long word) my life into QT, fun, exercise, etc etc.... that i have forgotten the desire and the sense of excitement in each activity, not just doing it for the sake of doing it.. think prob also, i may have forgotten my first love(revelation 2), and the msg speaks strongly.. yet i really dont know the condition of my heart,my spiritual life.. all i can do is trust God. yet i pray that i may really grow in my desire for God and love for Him, cos each day it just seems as if i CAN love Him more than i do. i guess i disappoint myself sometimes at the way i live my life, my attitudes.. and i really do wonder what God thinks, although i know HE still loves me, because all my mistakes have been paid for 2000 years ago.. i can now live a free life.. but am i? am i subjecting myself to slavery to the very things God has given me? i dont know if i have shifted my eyes from the Giver to the gifts..dear Lord, i long to return to the quiet place with you, in the stillness, in the fields of grace, to fall in love with you all over again..help me to shift my eyes Lord, from everything that may seek to challenge your place in my heart, and help me to set the eyes of my heart on your Jesus.. come in, reign, take over me again, hold me captive to your love.. i long for this God. yet i shall seek to praise you for wherever i am now, cos if i am not here, i can't get to where you want me to be. thank You for your Son, and your love..

for those who read this and are wondering prob why i put so much effort into my walk with God..haha, its sth i cant explain.. there's always the thought of leaving this and leading my own life.. but i guess the love of God, and the joy and peace..is bigger and greater than all the trials that come.. its not an easy ride, but it sure is worth it.. come walk with Jesus if you haven't already started.

God the Father

2006-03-01T22:53:00.000+08:00

ok this is/was/has been the day of rsults... to be honest, i was really nervous, esp when i was out with ruth in the morning.. u can ask her,well she told me she was fine(which is a lie cos she was crying in school)...yup and well, at some point, i was like.. ok i think i really gotta just trust God, and know tt whatever happens is in His sovereign will. yup, then later on the way to school, to calm myself, i kinda asked myself, why do i have this hope, or confidence.. and i stumbled upon an answer while i was in the midst of envy of the likes of brandon crystal and corrie, who did rather well(congrats!), yea and i guess God revealed it to me through the brain He gave me tat, He has blessed each of us differently, some are more academic, some less, and i wasnt too sure where i stood, but i knew that ultimately, you know.. it fulfills God's plan.. and as cliche as it sounds.. i meditated on Jer 29:11, and realised that hey, i dont think at any point a verse can be OVER USED.. you know?

well, to cut the long story short.. God has really met my expectation really perfectly. its fits so nicely i realised i dont know if it has sunk in, and i feel like i'm in a dream. yup.. i know sometime back, i wondered how nice it would be to get A B B A, cos then its as good as like God's imprint on ur grades.. and i know for a long time it has been my hearts desire. so i had two expectations.1) 4 As(probably wont get, but nice to wish) 2)2As 2Bs ( i know i can get, but wah like striking toto!!) yup, and eeach time i prayed, i said, God i really hope i get 4As but Lord, i ust pray that You may grant me the desire of my heart well, i think to say that God is good is an understatement.. God is amazing.. when i looked at my slip.. i was like ok good, no Cs.... no Ds... OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God you did it. and even up till now while i type this, i think only slowly i see how amazing this is. God has answered my personal request. you know how cool that is? my own request, Me. me. why me? but God i am so so so grateful, and Lord, i want to tell everyone You are so good, though i fear many may say that my praise comes only cos of my grades, but God You know my heart.

well, i know that some of you guys prob didnt mean expectations.. but i guess, at the end of the day, i won't say it dont matter.. but i guess when we lie on our deathbeds.. we're not gonna say: " hey hand me my A level slip... oh man wah those were some good grades..", but i think we're gonna ask for sth more..

God is good, God is sovereign, above all and at the end of the day, it comes down to trusting that we're in His hands, that He is our Father who loves us, and desires to give us the best, but also knows that our thoughts are not His thoughts, and also that we should lean not on our own understanding, and not to forget that if we sinful creatures will not give our children rocks if they ask for bread, how much more the Holy One, the Great I AM, the One who calls Himself our Heavenly Father.

friends, i hope that this has been an encouragement, wherever you're at spiritually. i believe that we're so precious to God, YOU are so precious to God.. draw near to Him during this season of your life. God bless. " )

cruising along...silence and solitude

2006-02-28T13:00:00.000+08:00

not sure where i am now, im my walk.. i think pretty much feels as if i'm cruising along. just told angela a few days ago(or was it yesterday), that we have different seasons in life.. and i think i have just gone through a season of blooming(sounds rather girly HAH!) yup, and i wont say this is winter now, but i feel as if im kinda like just going along.. hope i havent lost my fire or anything like tt, but i think partly God may be teaching me to have some silence and solitude, which i so badly lack.. i realised i can sit still for more than 3 seconds..which is quite sad..hmm.yes.

thinking back, i kinda regret not staying for the sermon on silence and solitude.. could have learnt much.. but cos of SSS, i havent been able to stay for service msg for a long time..to think that at the start of the year i was afraid i could sit thru the msg!!!! now i dont even get the chance to.

random things are coming thru my mind.. one of them is results! oh man i sure hope to do well, but see how it goes.. stay posted to read about my joy/sadness whatever it is!yup.. and also i think i have been thinking about God's view on love and the world's view on love, its very different(yes i have been reading i kissed dating goodbye), ya and i think i really wanna make it right.. i want not only to expereince that fullness of a true God-driven relationship, but also friendship with every other friend/sister/brother... yup. i thnk i have been selfish in some ways... like how sometimes when i go out i pick a place convenient for me, or am unwilling to walk witht the person to a certain place, cos its far to go home.. i really DO wanna be more giving i guess.. and i think i have kinda forgotten about the kind of depth that i want in conversations with my friends, keeping in touch with their spiritual lives as well as what they are doing.. which is a lot a lot tougher cos' i guess it knaws(DID I SPELL CORRECTLY?) at your sprit when you talk about it.. which i guess sometimes causes ppl to become broken. but its good, cos then God can build us up again.- the right way.

apologies if its hard to follow, im just typing out of my... out of my.. train of thoughts. at least i still have punctuation!i just realised tt my blog is a bit messy..hahah oh well. roxanne help!!! i treat you to lunch AND dinner, what a good deal!

ok i think i need to bathe.. im quite smelly.haha

what makes life beautiful

2006-02-20T22:18:00.000+08:00

well well well, i havent really blogged for a long time, and i don't think i intend to say much today! anyways, hello to june.. whom i miss a lot and is in australia now! hope you're doing fine... i gotta really check my mail soon!haha and also to A55, everyone.. hey i miss you! if u DO read my blog... hope to see you guys soon(on the day we get our grades!!!) hahaha yup! hope you guys are doing fine... its like.. JC is kinda the "egypt" in my life now.. like how i have left, but i wanna go back.. i guess its strange cos' our schedules aren't really the same, and in more ways than one i feel as if i havent been the best friend to many, and i'm sincerely sorry... and desperately trying to make an effort to make it up, though i know that inevitably, people will be closer to certain people, and i have to accept that i can't be as close to everyone, as i really hope to.. and i have to confess as well, i HAVE NOT figured out how to link ppl! and i thus haven't had the oppurtunity to READ hthe blogs too... sigh looks like a part of my'keep-in-touch' online plan might be failing! oh no!

well, in kind of a revelation while talking to Joan on the phone last night(she asked how my week was), i came to the conclusion that even if it WAS a lousy week, i cant' bring myself to say that "it was a bad week for me" and i think with all the sincerity in my heart i believe that though there may be trials and tribulations in the Christian's life, what overcomes it all with a incomprehensible sense of peace, is delight in God, and joy in Him...its kinda like how while everything on the outside is crashing like the waves and all, in the heart there's an intense stillness
that out-does the noise.

Mercyme's 'Word Of God Speak' explains this rather elegantly, and beautifully:

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's OK

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what you would say

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your Majesty

To be still and know

That you're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your Holiness

Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of you

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that I need is to be with you

And in the quiet hear your voice.

ok and i know this is really random, but Kiera Knightely... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so pretty.hahaha oops.

ok anyway, i guess what i wanna say is that Life IS beautiful.hahahah yes yes yes it was always there, take it all in, yes. indeed, Lord, help to open our eyes to see the beauty of life with you, for Lord, that was why you died for us. teach us how to delight ourselves in You, and to experience the joy of living with you forever. thank You Abba father, for your love and Your grace and mercy. In Jesus Name, Amen.

much love to those who read this, to those who miss me.i miss you too.

Friend of God

2006-02-13T10:30:00.000+08:00

well,i thnk i'm rediscovering wat a relationship, friendship, with God means. i think i've kinda forgotten like God's unconditional, amazing love... and recently i bought this CD, integrity's NEXT... or sth like that... and there's this song called friend of God, and as i sang along.. i suddenly felt this great thrill of like. HEY! God loves me! i dont have to do anything, but He automatically loves me.. its so amzing.. still, of course..everyday its a process of learning and understanding what living in God's love is like... to enjoy each moment with Him. but i've kinda been facing this problem... its like if u spend the entire day talking to God, 'walking' with Him... then how different is quiet time? i mean, what should you expect from that 1/2 hr, or one hour... If any of you know, please tag me k!hahahaha, we all need the support and guidance from each other.

Oh yea, and for those of you who don't know, i got pass the first round of singapore idol! do pray for me that i may get in the second round of course... but more importantly, that i guess, all the popularity and stuff doesn't get to me. yesterday during the YAg talk on finances, we kinda went to this part about the parable of the talents... where the argument was to make use of the talents that God gives you...i thought i understood it all..but i think i've neglected this very important part. that when the master came back, none of the servants kept the 'invested talents' and its fruit to themselves. i guess if i should go far for this Singapore idol thing, i really wanna use it to touch ppl's hearts, and even try to reach out to them. i think from META ive also learnt that conversion is not our duty. our duty is simply to bring God's love and msg to ppl. God does the rest. do you realy think we can convert ppl ourselves?ahaha. yea. i hope that God can use me to do His work. of course, i must make myself use-able first. just a while back i read about god telling moses to strike the stone/rock, so that water would flow. and this Impt point came out : that what we, as servants can do, is in obedience, strike the rock. God makes the water flow. that is sth we can never ever do as humans.yup.haha interesting huh?

i think what i wanna say with this post is that, for those of u out there, if you're feeling dry, or distant from God.. i know its tough. really. but don't fall, or move away. stand firm. trust in God's amazing love(i'm trying to as well!), and tat if He's willing to become one of us, let the hands He created beat Him up, torture Him, put Him on the cross, then i think we can no doubt say tat God would rather die than live w/o us. literally. we probably shouldnt base God's love on what we understand from human love i guess.. cos' God created love. He is love. and only He can show us what love is really all about.

AND..... for your benefit. " )

Who am I that You are mindful of me
That You hear me when I call
Is it true that You are thinking of me
How You love me it's amazing

I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
He calls me friend

Suspension

2006-02-07T21:42:00.000+08:00

hmmm, the title today is suspension, a song by Mae(credits to nicky for his discovery).. and there's a line which goes "when you talk to me, it makes me feel like i'm floating on air.." and i think thats the topic of my post today. OK BUT BEFORE i continue.... i have to say i am a super duper idiot cos i have driving lesson but i forgot and so i didnt go and then i sat in front of the tv and wasted my 67.20 away........ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

ok, anyway. i think recently, i havent been having a smooth walk with God.. i don't mean to say i haven't done Qt and all. i have! i really have.i'm trying hard to pray though its hard, as the song by don moen goes.. though sometimes i don't know what to say. during this time i never once doubted the existence of God. but i feel so superly miserable cos i dont 'feel'( for lack of a better word) His presence. i know faith is more than feeling, trust me, and i guess i just wanna say that i think i understand the psalmist's feelings in his frequent outcries for God to turn His face to look at him again... i'm not sure how i feel now.. there's a nagging thought of doubt in my head, yet a strong tower of faith in the centre which refuses to be shaken.. but i think thru all this i can say one thing.. that is that i guess i can trust God. no matter what i'm feeling, even if what i believe seems to contradict in full with what i 'experience', i think i need to learn to have faith. i can trust that God WILL NOT let me go, he will not let me be snatched out of His hand. at the moment, i type this with strong belief in my heart, yet at the same time rather painfully, cos' each day feels as if, u know.. like its being wasted, cos i don't know if i'm making the best of it.

i don't know where i've gone in my spiritual journey with God, i'm just praying its not downwards. sometimes i just can't be sure if i'm in the right direction. once again, trust God. man, its tough. its really tough. always easy to say, but hard to practice i guess. Lord, help me! give me strength to live strongly for you!

well, going into other experiences in life, other than spiritually, my days at work have been getting better. i think i'm really learning to go there and ove the kids as my own(i have no kids, though. i'm still SINGLE!!! * grin*). hahaha, although one of the kids have asked if i'm married. i must look like an old man, man. anyway, i have a good moment today, when this kid, luke.. man he has to be the smallest looking p1 kid in the world.. he is super GONG and blur... u need to keep like talking to him to make sure he hasnt drifted into some other world. anyway, he didnt wanna do work at the moment i asked him, but he promised to.. and with all the gentleness in my fingers, i asked him to hook his with mine. and off he went to play FIRST. that felt good, to just be gentle, patient, and to be able to gain a child's trust. for that moment, i prayed, "Lord, thank you. i really wanna love children the way you do." mayb it wasnt the exact words(memory of the old man failing), but i rememeber that very emotion. it felt good.

well, i better end here for now, lest i hang the system. for those who're wondering why each post i have, i can't help but talk about God, well, this walk is my whole life, and i intend to take it seriously and do my best, and by no means, do i intend to make it only a PART of my life. i'm learning, and trying, and praying God will honor this desire, cos' i'm really struggling as i don't know if i'm doing all i can. But i guess God knows my heart right? the complete assurance is never really there for me. guess its human. do pray for me brethren. and to those who want to pray, to know what it is. don't be afraid to tag on my board. lastly, to those who hope to find encouragement from this post, here it is - that u can be sure that you're not the only one who faces the struggles in our walk with God. But the reward i believe, will be worth it. God bless you all.

Worship, what is it exactly?

2006-02-02T21:58:00.000+08:00

ok, when i have such a title, i must first clarify that in no way do i know the answer.. but what i do know is tat recently, i've been going for worship prac after prac, getting caught up in the technicalities, that i feel as if my mind isnt on God Himself at all. only today i decided that there was no use to play, and play well, or make everything sound wonderful, but not have the heart of worship in it, then its completely worthless.

i think that whenever i think of worship, a few phrases i have read, or heard always pop into my mind. 1) worship is not about what you think, it never was, it never will be. 2) worship in spirit and in truth 3) God would rather hear an off tune voice with a dedicated sincere heart, than some perfect voice with a egoistic heart. and recently, i have discovered why we really worship God. indeed, its cos He died for us, He paid the price that we deserve to pay ourselves... but beyond that, God is worthy of praise simply because he is God and we are creation. He is the sovereign one, we are but dust. He gives us life, if not we are nothing at all. it is Him, all Him. what do we have that is not already His?so what if someone says "wow u play really well, or sing beautifully?" can we say that we gave it to ourselves? can we say that i created the voice? i gave it this tweak or twack(or whatever u call it)? i don't think so.

above all, i think im just pretty much taken aback how unworthy i really am, sometimes i pray and say that, God, i even need you to help me worship you.. its nothing to be ashamed of, but it really humbles me to make me see how broken i need to be.not to bow down only physically, but in my heart as well.

this week, i also face the struggle of whether to quit. i told my mom that working conditions were rather, terrible(though i know im really thankful cos there's nothing wrong really!) and the children are naughty... but i was as well.so.......... anyway, i came to the conclusion that God was teaching me how to have patience, love, peace, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, joy, self control and hope.(yes, no prizes for guessing- its the fruit of the spirit!) yea, which is sth i think i've neglected. all this while i've been struggling to understand, and to live a life having a relationship with God... learning to BE myself, yet at the same time to have self control and not indulge in my emotions... i mean.. its really easier said than done.. i never dared to tell God i was angry, cos instead of praying:" God i'm angry.." i pray, " God, i'm ok with this because...." and on i go to psyche myself into why i should not be angry. you get my drift? but as desmond told me, its all a journey. i guess at the end of all this. the best part is to know that God is with me. ad He has promised not to let me go, that nothing can seperate me from his love. Romans 8:38-39... AND it takes faith, and a whole lot of trust to keep going. AHHHH, i have a lot to say tonight. but i'll save it for another day. this say has enough worries of its own. hahahahaha. cool.

Amazing Grace... that saved a wretch like me..

2006-01-31T00:08:00.000+08:00

ok,i was planning on checking my mail, but i better type this out before i forget! firstly, kudos to jack neo for i not stupid too, which i think is a rather good movie despite the fact that it still uses the same actors and actresses..(hello, you got some good ones right here..) haha, but i guess the story really spoke to my heart. not so much the main plot, but rather the various parts of the movie that "jack" had directed in such a way as to move the audience... surprisingly, or rather, not surprisingly, God has taken this movie time, and i guess He has transformed it to remind me of His love for me... which i sth i guess i've forgotten, or lost sight of. in one scene, the father kneels before the lady that his son has stolen from(sorry to those who intend to catch the show, but not hear my review), asking her to forgive his son, and if need be to tell the police that He was the one who stole the necklace...effectively asking the lady to punish him for his son's 'sin'.... Now, it hit me that i have heard of a story that seems so similar, of course, the stakes were higher too.. does it really take a moving scene, where pppl are crying, touching music is pllayed, etc before we, and i can recognise the sacrifce payed on the cross? i hope not, i pray not. and in another scene, the coffee shop auntie makes a profound statement(as they always do), that the kids dad(diff kid by the way), has given him all he can: a new bag when he needed it, tuition when he was failing in school, etc etc... and now, even his own life... "should it be that a father lay down his life for his son?"....it seems that sth which goes against the natural laws of filial piety is going on here, and the unexpected is done.. how can it be that God punished Himself for my sin?

" in all His holiness, he could not disregard our sin. in all His love, He could not disregard us. the only way out, was to punish Himself for our sins."

in the manner, there was propitiation, such that thru Jesus Christ, a Holy God can forgive our sins, and have mercy on us. indeed, none of it is because we deserve it, none of it we could have received by good works. It wasn't about what we could do,can do, or did... neither is it about who we are. i guess, its all about who HE is, what HE can do, and has done.

i know, sounds so cliche..etc etc.. but i guess that if such grace and love could be explained, then "what's so amazing about grace?"

God speaks...in a whisper?!!?

2006-01-26T20:55:00.000+08:00

God speaks... i'm very sure of that...and i've been really praying that i would hear God's very own voice..as desmond says, don't do it own your own strength, ask the spirit to help you...hmmm, i really don't know how, but here's wat i've learnt these pass two days..i think God speaks really beautifully,and like they always say, like a whisper.. and i think He's revealed to me i guess, simple things that have helped me strengthen my faith in Him. when i went jogging yesterday, i prayed that i'd hear God speaking to me.. all th way to the end, i didnt particularly "hear" anything loud or like booming, but at the end of the jog, i rememeber this going thru my head: "Jon, i'm here when you speak to me. i'm here." and i think i didnt need anything else, except to know that my heavenly Father was there, is there and will be there. i think i havent given God a chance to love me as much as He can, which is a problem i know i've often had.. i guess its not that i don't trust God, i can't seem to trust myself, that i've been in any way, any good.. to deserve God's love. i think its a natural human thing to think that we get love only when we deserve it, or do sth good. well, we don't deserve it, never have, never will. thats a fact. and secondly, God's love isn't like human love!hahahah isn't that great! " )

yup...i think i have to learn how to practice this, and let God love me, trust in His love...yup. well, after all this i guess i come to this conclusion, that its all a journey in knowing God, and learning to live a life with Him. yup. just like all the characters in the bible. thats the way it is! and i think that at the end of it, i agree with what C.S Lewis says, that he doesnt fear that he will some to a conclusion that there is no God. but rather, he fears that he, and all of us, in our own human blindness, we will NOT see God in all His perfection, and fullness... yup. and i hope that this will be what i can say at some point in my life, that :" i went in, having doubt in my journey of faith, but came thru, having faith in my times of doubt."

Absolute final price reduction

2006-01-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

hahahaha i dont know why im using this title, has no meaning, but i saw it so i just used la! i think i'm gonna sleepsoon. haven't been sleeping well lately.. sleeping at one-ish,WAH tiring man... and my job, well i dont know if i shoudl quit, today i looked out the window during lesson, and the sun was bright and nice, and i was like thinking,... I SHOULD BE OUT THERE JOGGINGSWIMMING and doing all sorts of coolder stuff than being with kiddos who call each other names like well, "Lucy" and "silly billy"...

ok, on a different note.. my walk with God has been strange. i think its one of those periods of dryness... or maybe i'm just not putting in effort to spend enough time with God. perhaps ive been too busy, i have failed to spend time in silence and solitude i guess...

O Lord, i dont know where i am now, i feel close, yet far from you at the same time.. but God,i still love you, and i trust in your love, that you will never let go of me, and i know you're walking beside me though i can't see. perhaps, its Your footprints that make their markings in the sand, carrying me. teach me Lord, how to just jump into your arms of grace.. thank you for your love Father. i trust in its unconditionality(if there is such a word), and i just am grateful, that you are there Jesus to clean up the grim parts of my heart, like how You washed Your disciples feet. do cleanse me Lord. in Jesus Name, Amen.

"man is born broken. he lives by mending. the grace of God is glue." - eugene o neill

Be still and know that He is God.

2006-01-22T15:55:00.000+08:00

ok, im guilty... havent updated.hahah. well the past few days have been hectic i guess...i think its really God's will for me to stay home today. and rest.was intending to go jogging... but then, it started raining. anyways i think its really beautiful that i can just be in my bro's room with my siblings... one playing maple story... another playing polly pocket...guess who is playing what.hahahah. think i have been complaining a lot and having a really bad attitude about things. i'm sorry Lord.. i want to be more like Jesus, and sometimes i fail. but I trust in your love, that allows me to approach you in confidence. i've been playing for worship for SSS and YAG, i think i need a break, just as jane reminded me, in case of burn out. i think so often we get too caught up in serving, our second love.. that we forget our first love. just as its said in revelation.. Lord, help me to not forget you, that you should be the only God, the only one i worship in my heart..

i'm really thankful still, cos' no matter what happens each day, i think the great thing is to know God is with me and that the greatest joy of each day is simply to live it with Jesus... just as the mission team meeting on sat reminded me/us, ever so often we look forward to sth..(NS for me, yes i AM crazy) such that we are so blind, and miss whats in front of us right now. savour every moment.. we're never gonna get it back. sounds easy? not really, but as long as we ask, God WILL answer, i believe. i think simple things such as the afternoon breeze, the sky, the sun, the flowers that dance,the wind that whistles.. makes u sometimes just wanna say a whole lot of beautiful things to God, and it all culminates as u stand in awe and the only words that seem to come out are : "thank you Lord, you are holy. you are good. hallelujah."
its really amazing, and i yearn to experience such speechlessness again,and i wish the same for those who read this. yet sometimes we dont offer God the chance to bless us this way. i remember someone saying once(claim prize at counter if its you who said this), that Psalm 46:10 is not a suggestion, not a, 'try to in your free time'... its almost a command. we need it.

"Be still, and know that I am God."

-Psalm 46:10

thank you for this day Lord!

2006-01-19T22:58:00.000+08:00

alright, my sister just came into the room and asked me to demonstrate to her a "catdance"... it took a while b4 i realised she wanted to see a catwalk.hmmm, ok. children are really funny ppl.... i had a rather good day today at work. still tired, but oh well, i think its just mental la.. you know like how u want e money, but not the work that precedes it..yup. anwyays, the kids today were rather out of hand, with on refusing to do his work, or to be seperated from his GOOD friend.. while at the front, one of the girls insists that the answer i gave her for her science question was too long(complain kings...). but im really grateful...(here it comes)... cos really, thru today i have felt God's presence with me, and His provision of strength, patience, though at one point i almost killed someone.. yup. and today's QT was really good. i read Job, and i think im starting to understand God in His fullness better and better...that He's as close as a friend, a brother, yet at the same time a King, the great I AM. and thats why we praise you Lord. you are indeed worthy of our praise, simply cos You are who You are... yet sometimes i think we take this presence of the Lord for granted, and we come to Him as if He's a genie(i plead guilty!).. yup but He knows our heart, and He loves us the same.. thank you Lord for your grace and your love.

something funny i heard today: " eh did u watched that magic show on tv last night?? "
"no i didnt why, i was watching the Biggest Loser.. do u watch?"
"SIOW! who wants to watch a a show about a bunch of fat ppl!"

this coming from primary six kids... i'm sorry la, at the moment i couldnt take it i was laughing to myself...yup. oh well. the day ended with a friendly game of catching( ME VS. THE KIDS). and of course, the kids would not spare me, they kept calling me uncle, and grandma.. eh we're not THAT old right? at least it beats the girls who call me MISS jonathan. i guess im starting to get a little attached to the kids, though we have this 'dont say hi or goodbye' relationship... yea and i really wanna give thanks that God has provded all this, and in His own time really helped me improve the relationshsip with the kids and my colleagues, and even better, Him. Thank you Lord, for this day. Amen.

this is the day that the Lord hath made!

2006-01-18T21:36:00.000+08:00

ok, today i think i've really tried to understand how God is always with me, even at work. its been a rather good day... i finally am looking after a class of my own. P4 and 6s.... they are surpirsingly quiet when i'm in the class-cept' for the ACS boys. i wonder how my teachers took it... what was so hard to understand about learning ting xie and doing HW??!?!?! Just do la.... it was a uber tiring day, mentally and all, yet still i kept thinking about primary school, the teachers, the friends... and hahaha the 50cent food(which i kinda still go back to eat, sometimes). slowly the memories pressed on to those im VJ, come to think of it, i nvr really expected to get into this school... but i really am grateful. strange how God works ya? indeed, He does know the plans He has for me. and recently i think ive kinda been trying to look into the person of Jesus, and its quite hard putting together what i know about Him from the bible, and the person He is, in me. its gonna be a long journey ahead, but i'm excited.. to my brethen reading! i encourage u to join this journey!(just as the church theme says!)...ya and support each other. One more thing, how do u listen for God's voice? as in how do u know its Him? i really dont know, seems like everytime i pray, and say God.. speak im listening, then i stay silent for a while.. and then, i cant stay quiet..yet, i think i have to have faith in the promise that "my sheep know my voice..." , oh yea! and as desmond said... sometimes u have the head knowledge, but u should like know how to apply it... the greatest distance on earth is between the head and the heart. " ) anyway, i really hope that this online journal/ blog thing, other than keeping in contact with my friends, will indeed bless many.. yup! i shall declare today, that this blog shall be dedicated to Jesus Christ, and i want to use this for His glory!" ) ahhhhh looks like another day up ahead to figure out how God is working.. and another day of mr bean and children. ciao!

Virgin post

2006-01-17T20:37:00.000+08:00

alright, this is my first ever post, on my first ever blog. im setting this up so that you all my dear dear friends will know that i love u so much i am ALLYING witht e internet, my arch enemy. Good shall prevail. anyway, its been a tiring day. teachin primary sch kids aren't that easy... and i am so embarrassed by the fact that i DID NOT know how to write 'gong xi fa cai' in chinese. oh man. plus i have to give 'ting xie' with the help of a 10 yr old at my side. but in all things, give thanks. God is good, jamie can't find a job and the feeling ain't nice at all. im really blessed. too blind to see sometimes.

I'm really excited, cos i think im moving into a new stage in my relationship with God. its like, for the first time, i can feel my heart cry out and thrist for the living God. do pray for me that i may keep on having this intense desire, and love for God. think i face a problem figuring out how to serve Him at work though... watching mr bean and shouting at kids. but oh well, hope i can open my eyes BIG BIG and see sth amazing at work here. yup! so long for today!!!